In most communication skills training programs, there’s often a statement such as “be assertive.” Many people are told to improve their assertiveness or, in some situations, you may be told that you need to provide information or direction in an assertive manner. What exactly does that mean, though?
There’s value in learning assertiveness. It can help you to see a significant boost in your self-esteem. It could also give you more of the confidence you need to get the information, support, or pay that you deserve. Without assertiveness, it’s common to feel angry, regretful, or inadequate. If, after a conversation, you feel like this, that could mean you’re acting in more of a passive way. It’s possible to change the way you speak and act to help encourage the long-term outcome you desire.
At the same time, you also don’t want to enter into an aggressive way of communicating. For example, if you communicate in a way that is critical of others or you feel angry, that’s moving more toward aggressiveness, which also should not be a part of the way you communicate. Where’s the balance here?
What Is Assertiveness?
First, focus on what assertiveness is. Being assertive does not mean being pushy or aggressive. Rather, it means simply standing up for what you believe in. It is a way of expressing your emotions, thoughts, ideas, opinions, and beliefs in a way that is beneficial, open, and honest.
The core component here is that, while you should be expressive in this way, you also should be respectful of the other person’s feelings, thoughts, opinions, and needs. It is in that balance that we are able to be assertive without being aggressive. It’s the method of communicating what you need without undermining other people in the process.
How Can You Be More Assertive?
A range of techniques exist that can help you to be more assertive. Take into consideration your own thoughts, beliefs, and needs and that of others as well. Be honest about these areas.
When you’re assertive, you are able to:
- Be open to expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. You also are welcoming and encouraging other people to do the same thing.
- Listen to the views of other people. When responding to them, ensure that you maintain your own beliefs and views. That is, you do not have to agree with others, but you do have to listen and learn from others.
- Accept responsibility for what you need to accomplish. In that, though, you should also recognize when there’s a need to delegate your tasks to others because you do not have time or because someone else could do it better.
- Express appreciation for what other people are doing and how they do so. Be open to learning about their “why” for doing things in any given way, too.
- Assertive people are honest and open, but they are also willing to accept when they make mistakes. They apologize and then move forward, learning something as they do.
- Maintain a high level of self control. Assertive people and communicators have very clearly written goals, and they continue to work towards them. At the same time, they know when they are doing too much, and it may not be working. Focus on balance.
Assertive is not aggressive or overbearing. That means that while you can communicate with others what your needs are and even tell people they may be wrong, it is not about making other people feel beneath you. Behave in a way that helps everyone feel as though they are equals.
The Right Assertive Technique
There are several different assertive communication techniques to learn and employ. Consider:
- Fogging: This method helps to manage other people who are being manipulative or aggressive. It involves using a calm response using non-defensive language that does not agree with their demands. Agree with the truth provided but avoid being argumentative.
- Stuck Record: In this technique, you are going to provide a calm persistence to your efforts. Repeat what you want numerous times without raising the tone of your voice or interjecting any type of irritation or anger.
- Positive Enquiry: This method helps you handle positive comments like compliments. For those who struggle with positive statements and feedback, it can be beneficial to thank them, agree with it, and then even ask what to do better.
- Negative Enquiry: The same applies here, but to respond in a positive manner, such as thanking them for the information and then asking for detail.
What Is the Difference between Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive?
Finding balance in these three areas is not always simple, but it is critical.
Passive Communication: When you respond in a passive way, that means you’re being compliant with what others say. That can undermine your rights and impact self-confidence. Those who are passive often want to be liked by others, but this often leads to putting their feelings and wishes secondary to others.
Aggressive Communication: Being aggressive is more demanding and makes other people’s wishes and needs less important. This often involves not using appreciation and putting others down. It creates poor communication and can lead to a lack of support from others.
Being assertive is finding that unique balance. You know your wishes and beliefs, and you do not compromise on them. Yet at the same time, you recognize that others may have very different beliefs from your own and you recognize that. Being assertive in the way you communicate helps others to be less confrontational with you, creates respect, and can give you the self-confidence you need as well.